How to Celebrate a Half-birthday

Who invited the birthday cake to the half-birthday party?
Oh! What a delightfully whimsical foible of human logic!

When celebrating a half-birthday, one should bake a half-birthday cake to really make the day special! But don't fall into a pit of anxiety and self-flagellation, dear reader. It's simple! To make a half-birthday cake, one may use the same recipe that one uses to make a regular birthday cake. True fact: though the celebrations they commemorate are distinctly different, half-birthday cakes and birthday cakes are actually the same thing! ("They don't look the same," you may quip. Your eyes don't fool you, my dearly steadfast fan, but I assure you that the size is the only variable!)

To properly prepare the half-birthday cake, simply follow a birthday cake recipe as you would normally. It may feel like you're making a regular birthday cake for the first few steps, but remember the only difference in the preparation is that you will make less cake, half! For example, if your annual birthday tradition is making a two layer chocolate cake, mix the chocolate cake batter, but only pour enough to bake one layer. (Here's a fun tip for those among my attractive and smart admirers who rely on boxed cake mixes: add an extra egg and then trade out the oil for butter and the water for milk. It works like a pagan luck-enhancing device!) When your single-layer cake is done baking, frost the cake--having made your secret family recipe while the cake was baking!--and then cut it in half. Stack the frosted halves and your half-birthday cake is complete!

If you did things correctly,
your half-birthday cake should
look like this from above!

As I'm sure you know, my comely and brilliant follower, it is improper half-birthday etiquette to make a whole two layer cake and simply cut it in half. (Cheaters will be stoned to death. Repeat offenders will be excommunicated.) So what to do with that extra cake mix? One could save it for the half-birthday celebration of a friend or colleague, but I prefer using the remaining batter to make cupcakes! Then, when the cupcakes are done, take four of them, break them up and baptize the crumbs in a vanilla ice cream mix to sit overnight. The next day, pour in the vanilla and chocolate cupcake ice cream mix into an electric ice cream mixer. When the ice cream is nearly done churning, pour in some refrigerated, crushed raspberries for a treat even a mannerless philistine could enjoy!

Speaking of mannerless philistines, it is an unfortunate truth that, much like writing a dessert blog, being the perfect host is often a thankless job. (You may wonder, "Who let these swines into my house?" But you must never say this aloud, my sexy and genius devotee. Those swines are your guests!) Still, this lamentable fact mustn't keep you from sharing the half-birthday cake and ice cream with the miserable friends who are privileged enough to celebrate your milestone event with you, jealous of your cause for joy! It is both customary and proper to greet all compliments with mock humility, all while pestering/subtly fishing for compliments from quiet guests until they acquiesce. (A tip for my nympho, philomathic disciples: When sending your invitations remind the recipients that half-birthdays only come once a year and social obligations are but a light yolk to bear compared to martyrdom! It isn't rude to say this in an invitation! It's your party! You can ridicule swines if you want to!)

Follow these steps, my leather-and-latex-bound, PhD-holding cult member, and you will be the perfect host for your next half-birthday celebration!

Round 1: Häagen-Dazs Gelato Collection

Pre-trial photo of the defendants behind bars.

I'd be lying if I said I had high hopes for the new Häagen-Dazs Gelato collection. Though long a champion of Häagen-Dazs products, one glance at the ingredients (#3 or #4 - corn syrup) made me hypothesize that this was a case of packaging a cheaper product and selling it for the same price. It was with this sense of gravity that I purchased three pints of the new Gelato collection: Straciatella, Dark Chocolate Chip and Sea Salt Caramel. And since I was feeling judgmental, I've decided to write my review as two closing arguments and a verdict.

PROSECUTOR CLOSING ARGUMENTS: Historically, the ice cream bases offered by Häagen-Dazs have mostly stuck to natural ingredients--excepting mix-ins--something they once prided themselves on. Historically, the basic ingredients for gelato are milk, eggs, sugar and the central flavor ingredient (chocolate, pistachio, etc.). It seems, however, that Häagen-Dazs took a different gelato-making course. As a result, the flavors one finds in their latest collection are like diluted Häagen-Dazs with a terribly cloying aftertaste. To make matters worse, they are simply retreading existing territory. Conceptually, Sea Salt Caramel seems nothing more than their Limited Edition flavor Salted Caramel Truffle without the truffle mix-ins. And the Dark Chocolate Chip is virtually identical to the Häagen-Dazs ice cream flavor Chocolate Chocolate Chip, excepting the ingredient "corn syrup." Chocolate ice cream has long been a strength of Häagen-Dazs, despite the discontinuing of most of its chocolate-based flavors, but the gelato's chocolate-base tastes somewhere between Dairy Queen and low-fat ice cream. To use layman's terms, it tastes "gross." There is also the irrefutable evidence that, in the same season Häagen-Dazs introduced the Gelato collection, it has ended its Five collection, which prided itself on simplified all natural recipes that used only five ingredients. I submit to you that Häagen-Dazs is guilty of delivering a shoddy product in the name of cost cutting.

DEFENDANT'S CLOSING ARGUMENTS: When eating gelato, two things a person notices are the smooth texture and how light it is to eat. The Häagen-Dazs Gelato collection has succeeded in accomplishing these traits with their new product. The ingredient list of Dark Chocolate Chip may indeed be, quote, "virtually identical to the Häagen-Dazs ice cream flavor Chocolate Chocolate Chip," but some people prefer a smoother texture. That is precisely why many people choose to purchase gelato instead of ice cream. And Sea Salt Caramel gelato? It is much lighter than the ice cream product noted by the prosecutor. We could debate all day about the similarities of these gelato flavors and existing ice cream flavors, but these two frozen desserts have always had a shared legacy. Frankly, some gelato flavors do it better. For example, Stracciatella isn't simply repackaged chocolate chip; Stracciatella has loads of chocolate shavings in every bite! Corn syrup is not on trial here today; Häagen-Dazs is. And the only thing Häagen-Dazs has done is expand its product line.

VERDICT: Having heard the arguments, I can say you both have excellent points. Is a new product to be judged based on its brand or as a freestanding product with its own merits? I cannot help but be reminded of Ben & Jerry's increased use of corn syrup these past few years, but the recent utilization of the ingredient in Häagen-Dazs products is disconcerting. Earlier this year, I noticed a softer texture in my "Vanilla Swiss Almond," long my favorite grocery store pint. I called shenanigans, and the shenanigans were corn syrup. Häagen-Dazs hasn't put it in all their pints yet, but if this new Gelato collection is any indication, they will. To me, this is not acceptable business practice from a luxury ice cream maker. But, in truth, Häagen-Dazs has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. (Just ask Monsanto about using corn products.) Therefore, I am remiss to say I must let them off with a warning. But I do so with a plea, "Please return my Vanilla Swiss Almond back to its former glory."

---

This round's winner: Straciatella.

The AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament continues with Round 2: Ben & Jerry's Class of 2013...

AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament!

The short-sleeve shirts and bright colors are in the store windows and the last of the winter jackets are hanging sloppily off their hangers somewhere amongst the clearance racks. Never mind the fact that it is still in the 30's and snow flurries were in the air this morning. No foolin'. It must be spring in Chicago.

And as the axiom goes, March groundhog indictment brings new flavors to April's grocery store shelves. Though I more often blog about local businesses, this month I will review mass produced products, nine pints worth that currently reside in my freezer. (Sorry, roomies!) Each round will have a winner that will duke it out in the championship. Check back all month to find out what is worth tasting and what is worth tossing.

• Round 1 - Häagen-Dazs Gelato Collection
• Round 2 - Ben & Jerry's Class of 2013 
• Round 3 - Ben & Jerry's New Greek Frozen Yogurt Flavors
• Round 4 - Häagen-Dazs Class of 2013
• April Ice Cream Madness Championship Round! (coming soon)

Who will be the winner of best new superpremium grocery store flavor? Check back all month to find out. Past winner include Häagen-Dazs Coconut Macaroon (2012), Ben & Jerry's Red Velvet Cake (2011) and Häagen-Dazs Midnight Cookies and Cream (2010).

Today I ate a Stradivarius.

2012, Brad Brubaker / Crayon and pen on paper / 22 x 16 in.

In celebration of becoming a chocolate connoisseur, I treated myself to a selection of Amedei solid chocolate bars. Having already done a tasting of their single origin chocolate, trying their other bars would nearly close the gap of tasting all of the products made from what I believe to be the best chocolate in the world. My plan was to follow Chloe Roussel-Doutre's advice--chewing the chocolate into small bits in order to maximize the surface area exposed to the tongue--and to document my taste reactions. Having found inspiration in chocolate before, I thought poetry might result from this act of devotion. What I didn't reckon was that I would create a work of art.

While tasting Amedei's Chuao bar, made from much coveted beans from the Chuao plantation in Venezuela, I felt a wash over me. I felt new terrains of my tongue explored and new taste buds were discovered...or perhaps brought to life. I had a phrase enter my head so clearly which accompanied this experience: deep red grooves. My God, I was eating a Stradivarius. And I knew that for my whole life, though I only first realized it in that moment, I have wanted to be a violin.

The Chocolate Conneisseur's Desert Island List

When marooned on a desert island, make it rain.

(Note: This list was updated in 2016.)

The Chicago winters aren't the only reason I've been thinking about life on a desert island. Having finally gotten around to reading The Chocolate Connoisseur* by professional chocolate buyer Chloe Roussel-Doutre, I've been creating my Desert Island list. Many people create a fictional list of people they'd love to spend time with on a desert island** or the albums***/books **** they'd want with them, but Roussel-Doutre challenges her readers to meditate on the ten chocolate bars they'd want in their suitcase. (Presumably the suitcase has a regulated temperature in the fantasy.)

Without pause, I scrawled out a list of my ten of favorite chocolate delicacies, as well as five other treats that, despite my year-round cravings, are seasonal or unavailable in the U.S. That this task came so effortlessly for me is proof of my growth as a student of chocolate. After much studious research and personal exploration, I feel I can officially and confidently declare myself a chocolate snob--EHEM!--connoisseur.***** Make a note of it, friends.

Ten Chocolates for My Desert Island List:

• Amedei - Chuao, 70& dark chocolate
• Amedei - Cioccolato al Latte Bianco con Pistachio, white chocolate with pistachio
• Amedei - Toscano Blond, 63% dark chocolate with peach and apricot
• Ferrero - Rondnoir (aka Duplo Cuore Fondente), dark chocolate, dark chocolate cream, wafer
• Fran's Chocolates - Almond Gold Bar, dark chocolate, almonds and the best caramel ever
• Galler - Noix de Coco, praline of white chocolate and coconut
• Kinder - Bueno, chocolate, hazelnut cream, wafer
• Perugina - Baci, dark chocolate, gianduja and hazelnut
• Ritter Sport - Dark Chocolate with Whole Hazelnuts
• Theo Chocolate's 3400 Phinney Fantasy Bars - Milk Chocolate Coconut Curry Bar

Honorable Mention:

• Ghirardelli - Peppermint Bark
• Ritter Sport - Coconut Macaroon, milk chocolate with coconut filling
• Theo Chocolate - Jasmine Truffle
• Unknown brand in Belgium - Spéculoos and chocolate covered almonds
• Vosges - Gingerbread Toffee

* This book came recommended by the good people at Seattle's Chocolopolis.
** Most people choose what is known as a "fox" (i.e. Keira Knightley or Ryan Gosling), while I usually go the practical, trying-to-stay-alive route and choose an Eagle Scout.
*** An ever-changing list. Let's go with summer listening: The Ruby Suns' Sea Lion, Cory Branan's The Hell You Say, The Beatles' White Album and Kanye West's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.
**** You Shall Know Our Velocity! by Dave Eggers, my favorite, and Stephen King's The Stand: Complete & Uncut, which I've never read but when else does a person have that much time?
***** The chief connoisseur, Ms. Roussel-Doutre, and I do not always see eye to eye, especially on whether or not chocolate with stuff in it belongs in the company of solid chocolate bars. She says the true chocolate connoisseur is content enough to taste the subtle differences of the chocolate itself. I say a true gastronomic explorer of any type of cuisine sees the value of tasting how other ingredients combine to create a new effect. She also disapproves of white chocolate, something I usually agree with. Hopefully these clashes don't cause her to boot me out of the chocolate connoisseur club.

This Pie is a Portkey

Third (Almost) Annual Pi(e) Day Pot Luck & House Concert, 2013

"This pie is a portkey." This was the label on the first guest's tasty cntribution, promising accurately that the evening's contact with pie would transport the evening's guests to a different place. Offering far more sweet than savory (save my corned beef and cabbage shepherd's pie and another guest's spanokopita), some highlights included coconut pie, tiramisu pie, apple-pecan pie with a cinnamon roll crust, strawberry-chocolate pie and coconut pie. Another crowd favorite had one foot in the savory category and the other in the sweet: blueberry, goat cheese and basil pie.

The night was magnificent. The music was good, thanks to Liz Chidester. And the pie transported us.

Only 364 more days until Pi(e) Day 2014!

Graham Cracker Ice Cream

The indentation in the center was from eating it nose first.

This flavor idea has been on my list for close to a decade, following my introduction to the graham cracker-themed Crumbs Along the Mohawk during my first summer internship in Williamstown, MA. The next year, the first thing I did upon arriving in the Berkshires was buy that flavor and two other half gallons from Stewart's Shops. For that flavor and others, they remain a favorite among regional ice cream manufacturers.

Graham Cracker ice cream

Ingredients:

2 cups whipping cream

1 cup milk

1 cup sugar

12-14 graham crackers (or half a box), slap chopped

dash of cinnamon

dash of cinnamon sugar

(opt.) additional graham crackers, for topping

(opt.) dark chocolate covered graham crackers, for garnish and pregame eating

Instructions:
1.) Mix ingredients together. The challenge is balance: make sure the cinnamon doesn't completely overpower the smell of the graham in the mixture. Adjust graham crackers accordingly, but don't put too many in or it will soak up all the liquid.
2.) Chill overnight. Both you and the mixture.
3.) Put in ice cream maker. The mixture, not you.
4.) Eat and share.
5.) Receive accolades.

State of the Donuts Address

What’s in a name? Firecakes utilizes an heirloom recipe from the founder’s great-grandfather, who was a baker for Wisconsin logging camps. Back then, doughnuts were made over an open fire. They even have gramps’ now antique doughnut cutter.

Yo Obama, I’ma let you finish, but…

Since Dirty Betty’s / Cookie Bar has closed and the planned new location is yet to be announced, I wanted to take an honest look at the state of donuts in Chicago and the craze of small-batch doughnut shops that are creeping up downtown and beyond. Here they are, arranged in descending order of my affections.

Firecakes. Having just opened this month, and in walking distance from my job, I am already convinced we have a new champion. Everything I’ve had has been a stand-out. The Chocolate Hazelnut, which is a longjohn with Nutella cream filling. The Valrhona Chocolate Glazed, which carries the mantel once held by Dirty Betty’s of the most fulfilling chocolate glaze. The Honey Glazed, which is a solid reminder that the true test is mastering the basics. The Coconut Cream, which is a cake donut with a totally unexpected citrusy twist and a dollop of cream in the middle. Firecakes, may I present you the crown?

“We Can Donut.” Glazed and Infused, Wicker Park.

Glazed and Infused. This young company has already opened five locations! Switching out most of their menu to offer seasonal selections, this shop has no shortage of creativity. In the fall, they had Carrot Cake and German Chocolate Cake. This winter, they have Blueberry-Lemon. While these, as well as most of their offerings are cake doughnuts, they have an ever-changing seasonal glazed doughnut, my favorite of which has been Blueberry. Amongst their changing menu they have a few staples, which includes Crème Brûlée, a custard-filled doughnut with a hard burnt sugar topping. If any Chicago doughnut beats what I’ve had at Firecakes, it is this.

Do-Rite Doughnuts. Specializing in cake doughnuts, this place serves up flavor combinations one doesn’t normally find with donuts. Strawberry-Rhubarb and Peanut Butter Banana, for example. One might assume these très chic donuts would be dainty three-biters, but these are meaty monsters that would make less gluttonous more rational people stop after just one. My favorites are the aromatic Pistachio-Meyer Lemon and the creamy Coconut Custard.

Do-Rite's Pistachio-Meyer Lemon

Beaver’s Coffee & Donuts. This successful food truck business has added a fixed location in the French Market. From 7-6, they serve fresh and warm mini-yeast donuts with the topping(s) of your choice. Featuring sprinkles, marshmallow sauce and strawberry sauce, their gourmet toppings resemble what you might find at an ice cream sundae bar, so it takes a bit of bargaining to accept these donuts as a breakfast food item. They do not keep well, but that shouldn't be a problem for most people with a mouth and stomach.

Doughnut Vault. When this posh, elevator shaft-sized space opened, I bought the hype. I stood in hour-long lines for a five-item menu, knowing they tended to run out of things quickly. My first visit wasn’t anything notable, so I masochistically returned hoping the other flavors would wow me. Instead my resentment grew. (Their “Chestnut” tastes like a maple doughnut. And sprinkles on a $3 doughnut?) If you enjoy standing in fried bread lines, their best offering is the Gingerbread Stack, three small spiced cake doughnuts with cinnamon sugar. Glancing at their website, they now offer a rotating special doughnut on weekdays. Thanks, but I'll just go down the street to Firecakes.

---

Chicago, of course, is not limited to these newer, small batch doughnut shops. Chicago's southside has a few local institutions that have been making traditional doughnuts for years. Because I am a public transit-dependent northsider who gets far too hungry to wait, I have only tried one of them: Dat Donut. Despite its appearance on Bon Appetit’s Top 10 Places for Donuts list, I found it pretty average. But let’s be honest: an average doughnut is better than a Gold-medal winning salad…unless that salad is fried. Other southside doughnut joints include Old Fashioned Donuts and Huck Finn Restaurants.

This Honkey Ice Cream Be Trippin'

Ben & Jerry’s caused quite a buzz over the release of a secret, new flavor inspired by Tina Fey’s addictively funny show “30 Rock.” According to the press releases, the flavor name would be revealed at a launch party being held to celebrate the series finale. Our mouths were watering and everyone was wondering what would the flavor be?

“Tracey Jordan Almond—ooh, or Muffin Top!” suggested the Wednesday issue of Chicago’s Red Eye. With so many quotable moments in the show’s seven season run, there were endless creative possibilities for the new flavor. Here are some favorites my friends and I imagined.

• Walnut Bar Mitzvah, a super-nutty walnut brownie ice cream with fudge werewolves and a caramel swirl. 
• Mind Grape, an ice cream (chocolate?) with raisins and fudge brains. 
• Blerghberry. 
• Deal Breaker, a strawberry ice cream with chocolate broken hearts and brownies. 
• Jackie Jormp Chomp. 
• Food Ball, a flavor that is literally more chunks than ice cream, throwing in EVERY variety of chunk offered in Ben & Jerry's other flavors. 
• Spaceman Lemon (Spa-cheh-mun Leh-mun), a lemon ice cream with space dust (Sour Patch kid dust) and white chocolate spacemen. 
• What the What, which mixes any bizarre combination of flavors, like coffee and waffles. (Obviously, this idea was still in the development stages.) 
• Night Cheesecake.
• Ghost Meat.
• Sabor de Soledad, a flavor somehow inspired by Liz Lemon’s favorite brand of cheese curls, which contain the crucial ingredient of bull semen. 

The gauntlet had been thrown down. It would be tough to top some of these delicious ideas. But surely Ben & Jerry’s had something truly amazing up their sleeves, right? Especially given all the fuss they stirred up?

Nope. The flavor they are releasing in the spring is…drum roll…Liz Lemon Greek Frozen Yogurt. That’s right, the Ben & Jerry’s creative department watched “30 Rock” and invented Lemon Froyo, a truly revolutionary flavor. Idiots. And while any devoted fan who read Bossypants knows that Tina Fey has Greek heritage, her character Liz Lemon would never, ever choose frozen yogurt for fear it might be less fattening or less delicious than ice cream. Never. Ever.

Ah, well. I guess I’ll just blame it on Lutz.

Cuckoo for Kuchen

“At our cake buffet nobody comes over so simple - in the proverbial and also in the literal sense!” --translation from Café Gnosa's webpage

On the morning of my 29^th birthday, I awoke in a hostel in Hamburg, Germany. Folded-like-an-accordion on the too-short top bunk, slumber had proven difficult because my two African-born roommates were attempting, despite distinctly different dialects, to communicate with one another in broken English. Having already planned for an early start, I arose, dressed in my non-cotton clothing, packed my poncho and umbrella, and traveled through the steady drizzle into the city center for the three-hour Hamburg Free Walking Tour. Eventually my tourism turned gastronomic, but before I begin my dessert coverage I must first praise Germany’s glorious second city and share some of what I learned, thanks to the New Europe Walking Tour company.

Like most cities I love, the water has been the major factor in shaping Hamburg’s identity. We’re not talking about your average river city, though; Hamburg had been a major harbor city for as long as recorded time. Nearly all of the stories and history learned on the tour returned to the water (as in the gruesome death of the famed pirate Klaus Störtebeker) or the great fire of 1842. The city’s older buildings and churches are nearly all the products of detailed restoration, as necessitated by both the fire and WWII bombings. Our tour wound all around: across small bridges through the old town (swans in the waterways), the warehouse district (beautiful brick) and HafenCity, the huge inner-urban housing project that will increase the city’s population by 40%!

Three hours of walking may sound like a lot, but it isn’t enough when it’s your birthday and it’s been blasphemously cake-less. Kein Kuchen ist nicht gut...no cake is no good. So at the conclusion of the tour I walked back toward the Rathaus (town hall), past the train station and further east along Lange Reihe. My destination was Café Gnosa, revered in my research as the best dessert in Hamburg. I couldn't decide what to order, so I treated myself to what I like to call the birthday special: three slices for take away. They were so tasty, and the tempting options at Café Gnosa so plentiful, that I stopped to get three more before I boarded my train out of Hamburg.

Schoko-Orangen Torte (chocolate-orange torte), Rhabarberstreusel Torte (rhubarb cake), PflaumemMandel Torte (almond plum cake), JohannisbeerQuark Torte (red currant cheesecake), Chocolate Pie (chocolate pie). All of them were delicious, but one reigned supreme: AprikosenNuss Torte (apricot cake with hazelnuts). The tartness of apricot, the roasted flavor of hazelnut, the richness of spiced cake. It was dense, more solid than springy. I'm not sure what spices were added to this cake to make it so good but I have been craving it ever since.

The rain never let up during the three days I spent in the city, but this didn't spoil my trip. My Merrill shoes, however, which have kept me dry since their initial use backpacking in Italy, met their sad end. (RIP) Casualties aside, Hamburg ranks high on my list of cities to revisit and Café Gnosa’s apricot cake with hazelnuts ranks as the best dessert I had in Germany.

Dixie Donuts

Top: Aztec, Samoa, German Chocolate, Bangkok Beauty, The Cutie
Middle: Dixie Spice, Peach Cobbler, Dulce de Leche, Strawberry Shortcake
Bottom: Chocolate Spice, Oreo, French Toast, Sweet Potato

“Floral” and “delicate” are not adjectives usually associated with doughnuts. But it also could be said that rosewater candy and curried mango salt aren’t typical ingredients on a holey fried delight. Contradictions like these are what, for me, define the new south. And Richmond, Virginia is a perfect example.

On historic Monument Avenue, lavish mansions occupied by old money sit next door to neglected buildings that house college students and starving artists. Grizzled I-don’t-give-a-care punks like Tim Barry emphasize local history/tradition while getting "Sic Semper Tyrannis" tattooed on their bodies. Once thriving industrial sections of town may look run-down, but they host local businesses and art galleries. And in Carytown, Dixie Donuts makes creations with names like Aztec, Maharaja and the Bangkok Beauty.

It didn’t take much effort to convince my brother Brian to join in trying this new establishment. And after we ordered, it may have taken us even less effort to polish off 8 doughnuts. Even with the reduced size of the doughnuts (perhaps three-quarters the average size one expects with a doughnut), it is rare to find cake doughnuts like these that don’t sit heavily after one or two. Though the doughnuts were indeed on the light side, Brian and I’s breakfast vanquishing also had something to do with the exotic flavors being offered.

I had never considered doughnuts as a culinary opportunity to explore other cultures but, based on the 16 varieties I’ve tried, this is what Dixie Donuts does best. (Contradictions: wearing cream-colored suits in the height of summer; a beauty queen with a gutter mouth.) It is also how the business distinguishes itself from other gourmet doughnut outlets.* The Bangkok Beauty is my favorite of the pack—lime-mango curried salt with penden cookies. Next was the Maharaja (vanilla-rosewater pistachio with garam masala). Their Dulce de Leche doughtnut had an appropriately gooey topping that made it stand out from the rest. The Aztec was a delicious double chocolate doughnut dusted with chipotle cinnamon and topped with candied pepitas (pumpkin seeds). And the German Chocolate Cake has a sizeable dollop of crystally coconut ooze that left me scraping the box with my finger.

DoughNOT miss Dixie Donuts. (How many times have I blogged about donuts, yet somehow never made that joke until now? Huzzah!)

* Gourmet donuts: (n) fanciful donuts characterized by unusual toppings or flavor combinations, often with a larger price tag. Antonym: traditional donuts.

Dangerously Delicious Pies

My brother and I sit at the counter while a twenty-something kid with skinny jeans, a lip ring and a frizzy black 80s mullet slinks around preparing our food. We listen to the Dickies’ infectious version of “Silent Night” while he delivers our order: the Date Night Special. It is May in Baltimore and this is Dangerously Delicious Pies.

Click this picture and drool.

For our dessert this visit, we smack our way through the Mobtown, gooey, melty fudge and caramel with pecans (pictured). We cut the full-bodied richness of that pie with the sweet tooth sugar high of the Baltimore Bomb, a buttermilk and vanilla pie with Berger cookies. It takes skill to turn the Baltimore “tradition” (or trick played on tourists) of Berger cookies—shortbread slathered with chocolate frosting—into a delectable treat. A slice of the Baltimore Bomb with the Mobtown was the perfect combination.

On our next visit, this time to the DC location, we finished things off with two different slices. I had a slice of Strawberry-Rhubarb and marveled at how distinct each fruit was. Thankfully, the rhubarb was not overpowered by the sweetness of the strawberry, as it is in most would-be strawberry-rhubarb desserts. Brian, less a fan of fruit pie, had the Mint Chocolate Cream, which was light with a refreshing lift of mint that flew over the chocolate bliss like a descant. The mint flavor left only a quick floating reverberation and not a clamorous lasting burn.

Having now dined at both the DC and Baltimore locations, Brian and I can easily say that everything we’ve consumed has been incredible. Both times, we received flawless recommendations from the colorful staff members and tipped them accordingly. I encourage you to try as much as possible. The most cost-efficient way of doing this is the Date Night Special, available Sunday through Thursday happy hour—2 savory pies, 2 sweet pies, 2 sodas, 22 bucks. For savory pies, the BBQ, the hot rod potato with bacon, the curry-licious butter chicken, the steak and cheese…you can’t lose. Hopefully their newest location in Detroit will beget a Chicago opening or, better yet, world domination. I will raise the pie-and-crossbones flag as a signal to friends and foes!

UPDATE from 2016: Having now been to four different locations and tried numerous flavors, their fruits pies always please, but I am more often drawn to the creativity of their non-fruit, non-cream pies. Another notable favorite to surface is the Chocolate Chip Pancake pie, a white chocolate custard pie with chocolate chips, which is right up there with my favorite, the Mobtown Brown.