Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Screams from the Haters

Top: strawberry shortcake, black forest, French toast
Bottom: Ocean City Sand, Ms. Prunella, lemonade

"Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it / I guess every superhero need his theme music"-- Kanye West, "Power"

When in Maryland, gorge where the Marylanders gorge. One such destination of succulent sweet tooth stuffs is Fractured Prune, the place to get hot, fresh, customizable, made-to-order doughnuts. The regional chain made its start in Ocean City and has been spreading like a plague of deliciousness. I knew it was something I needed to seek and destroy with my mouth.

I could spend my little dance with your attention span telling you about my experience, or I could make fun of these "reviews" I found on Yelp. The business basically got all raves but you know how it is: some people be hatin' just to hate. Here are some the especially unjustified jeers and my responses. (I openly admit that some have been quoted out of context. Please treat this as entertainment, not news.)*

"Three stars. I got there at 2:23 PM. The Fractured Prune closed at 1:00 PM." - Kelly G., Washington, DC
Totally understandable. The reviewer's tardiness warrants a mediocre review.

"Hard to figure out what door to use" - danielle L. , Glen Burnie, MD
When you tried to exit your home and mistakenly chose the wrong door, how long did to take you to deduce you were standing in the hall closet?

"the shop wasn't much to see... i would have expected a glass case with tantalizing baked goods, but there was nothing of the sort." - Olivia D., Washington, DC
Made-to-order doughnuts cannot be put on display. Your best bet would be either making them at home or sticking your face in a deep fryer. With 15 glazes and each doughnut being allowed more than one of their 10 toppings, there are over a thousand different possibilities. A more rational option would be putting a human brain on display and having a sign pointing at it that said "imagination." If you had one, you would know brains get donated to science, not doughnut shops.

"cash only in 2011 is pretty unacceptable...That's a sign of shady business ownership." - Stephanie B., Hasbrouck Heights, NJ
Assuming "cash only" is shady is a sign of someone who is untrusting and from New Jersey.

"What is it with Maryland's store names? First Baltimore's Ma Petite Shoe (shoe and chocolate store) and now a doughnut shop called Fractured Prune. What else do they sell? Secondhand fruit? Depends?" - me, non-Yelper
What kind of jerk thought this throwaway joke was funny, much less worth re-inserting?

"they taste greasy and overly sugary." - Justin L., New York, NY
Doughnuts are fried dough. Glaze is almost entirely composed of sugar. Perhaps you saw the hole in the middle and confused them with bagels.

"Nothing unique for a donut. The flavors are the only thing that really save it." - Jeff S., Washington, DC
Apparently flavor is an unimportant variable in determining whether food is unique.

"They were tasty which is why I am giving them two stars, but they don't come close to Donut Plant [sic] in NYC." - Jaimee A., Manhattan, NY
Their goal is providing a tasty product, not imitating Doughnut Plant. No reasonable comparison can be made between Doughnut Plant's mission (no trans fat, preservatives, artificial flavors or eggs) and Fractured Prune's mission. That's like someone from Maryland giving Doughnut Plant a poor rating because "they were tasty" but weren't hot and made-to-order like at Fractured Prune. Doughnut Plant is certainly delicious, but, since it isn't exactly commutable distance from Maryland, the point is irrelevent and you, Jamiee are trolling.

"its just fried dough with syrup and choco-chips on top in whatever combination you want." - Sarah B., Baltimore, MD
What more could anyone want?

* My apologies to any Yelpers who I may have offended. I assure you that of the few readers I have (my brother, one former co-worker and...who was the other one?) none of them will laugh at your expense. They mostly read my failed blog to check that I'm still alive.

1 comment:

Suzanne said...

More than one former co-worker reads this blog. We're all happy to know you're still alive.

I, personally, am a little jealous you are in MD. Are you actually in Ocean City? That would make me scream. I miss the Atlantic in summer. My mother is heading to Bethany this weekend, so if you ARE in OC, face north and wave.