Monday, December 22, 2014

Bobtail Year 2: Cinnamon

December was month seven of Bobtail Year 2, during which I received two pints of homemade ice cream a month from Bobtail.

This month's flavor was Cinnamon. It tastes like Christmas at home and, predictably, is quite good. It also helped inspire the satirical, dessert-free blog below.

• • •

The elf on the shelf is a bunch of nonsense. Kids already get presents under the tree, junk in their stockings, daily trinkets or edibles from their advent calendars and now they have Santa's least stealthy spy watching them more closely than the NSA monitors Scott Stapp's weapons and air fare purchases online. All this consumerist culture brings to mind my first acting role in Ms. Husson's fifth grade winter program in 1994, a bizarre piece about materialism with such songs as "Yankee Doodle Santa" and "Make a Buck." ("Make a buck, make a buck! Spend! Spend! Make a buck, make a buck! Buy, buy, buy, buy!" Stop me in the street and I'll sing this on command.) It could make a person nauseous...or it could get them into the Chri$tma$ $pirit!

I've been thinking: being a feminist, I believe we need a female role model in the Christmas crap-hawking canon. A Disney princess who's also a strong woman. Someone who's good with a bow and arrow, but also isn't afraid to throw down on Master Chef to beat Mrs. Claus. Someone little girls can look up to, but whose outfit can be easily adapted into something skimpy for sexually empowered women doing holiday bar crawls. Finally, there needs to be Christmas magic because WWJD. I present to you Cindy the Cinnamon Witch of the North Pole!

A red hot win for festive fetishism feminism.
This red-haired firecracker waves her Cinnamon Stick Wand to transport her to third world countries to help relief efforts for the underprivileged...or to be the sassy and fashionable MC/DJ of the hippest holiday ho-ho-hoopla! Her presence is immediately known because Cindy the Cinnamon Witch smells like a snickerdoodle dipped in apple cider wherever she goes, appearing and disappearing in a puff of cinnamon smoke! While usually a crossbow-carrying conductor of cheer--in addition to magic, her Cinnamon Stick Wand is good for directing an orchestra in "Ode to Joy"--Cindy is also feisty, punishing bad kids with the cinnamon challenge...and posting video footage on YouTube! Fighting for equality all day and partying all night, it's a wonder when that celestial celebrity Cindy ever has time to go back to the North Pole to do her hair! Cindy the Cinnamon Witch of the North Pole™ will be a spicy addition to your religious and/or secular winter holiday traditions!

No comments: