Cafe Valley's Dr. Pepper Cake

Occasionally, as a dessert blogger, I get sent free stuff. What usually happens is I receive an email inquiring whether or not I'd like to try a product. Scratch that. What usually happens is I receive press releases that look like spam emails on topics only tangentially related to food, subject matter that tells me the people who are paid to send out these emails rarely pay any attention to where they scatter their PR seed. But sometimes--very rarely--I am offered to sample something. And when this happens, they want a review.

I've tried to keep this blog positive over the years, only reviewing things I enjoy. My mother taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say to not say anything at all. But damned if the folks at Cafe Valley don't want a review. I can think of no better reason for the ol' dessert blog to come out of dormancy, so here goes:

Cafe Valley makes grocery store cakes. You know the type. They cost $5 and sound like a deal until you taste them. Then you realize you've spent that money on the one piece you'll reticently finish, wishing the whole time that you'd cut a thinner slice. The rest of the cake will be set out for your roommates with a "Hey, I bought this to share" sign AKA a thinly veiled attempt to get rid of an unwanted thing. Most self-respecting adults only purchase a cake like this once in their lives, usually on a whim because the flavor in question is a personal favorite. Fans of Dr. Pepper: don't buy this cake. Go drink some Dr. Pepper instead. Even if you're "just curious," don't buy this cake. You can have the patience to wait until some cheap friend brings it to a pot luck, putting it on the table to be ignored by all except one self-sacrificing person who takes a piece of the grocery store cake just to be nice. Watch how the cheap friend acts as though their woeful offering earns them the right to eat at the pot luck. "Hey, I brought something!" Watch as they gorge themselves on real food when they themselves will only spend $5 and a minute in the check-out line. That cheap friend thinks they are the smartest one in the room, bringing a grocery store cake while everyone else has cooked. Don't be that cheap friend. And don't let them live the illusion that they've pulled the wool over everyone's eyes with a grocery store cake. Yes, even if it's free, don't eat this cake.