Bobtail Year: Lemongrass Mint Ginger

The subtle poetry and enlightenment one might find in the produce section.

June begins my Bobtail Year, two pints of Bobtail Homemade Ice Cream a month for donating to Oracle Theatre.

When I heard the flavor name "Lemongrass Mint Ginger" teased out on Facebook, I could not wait. Such a deliberately bold blend of flavors screams of genius at work. Lemongrass is known for adding a subtle dose of citrus flavor to foods. When paired with mint, one can assume that the mint was used sparingly enough as to not overpower. When paired with ginger, one thinks of East-Indian cuisine. As a whole, this flavor sounds refreshing, like meeting someone new and getting hopelessly twitterpated. In fact, it is exactly like that.

This ice cream is a soft and elegant lady that dares to be different, like the black sheep of a southern family turning everyone's heads at a debutante ball. After being charmed by the lemongrass (a flirt of sourness, not a tart sensation), the mint shyly asked me to dance (without being sickly sweet or "curiously strong") before the crystallized ginger cut in, adding a sugary, almost carbonated burn, one so delicate my sinuses didn't even flinch. As each of her ever-intriguing flavors gracefully waltzed in and out, we were swept into a smoothly executed accelerando. It wasn't until the flavors were Lindy Hopping in my mouth that I realized, though it felt as if I'd been switching partners throughout this ethereal evening, I'd been cheek-to-cheek with the same sweetheart. Totally smitten, I considered myself lucky to have kissed the hand of such a multifaceted belle and vowed to never let her go.

Despite the naïve promises of my delightfully dizzied taste buds, the whirlwind affair came to an end like a lover slipping into the night. I awoke as from a dream, standing on my kitchen's wood floor instead of in a lavish ballroom, holding my empty pint with the same care a prince would a glass slipper.

• • •

My Bobtail Year will continue in July!

Bobtail Year: Introduction

I think there's still some room on my back if you'd like to pat me on it.

Chicago's Oracle Theatre believes no one should feel limited from experiencing art. Since 2010, they've offered Public Access Theatre (read: free) for their mainstage season, "B-Side" productions that partner with other artists, original film screenings and their outreach program, The Radio Movement. A quote from the initial press release says it perfectly: "100% open access makes people feel invited and welcomed, not sold...[plus] Oracle fits all budgets, not just a few."

When I was unemployed, I knew I could always see a show at Oracle regardless of my financial situation. And recently I decided it was time to give back by donating $15/month to keep both their programming and admirable business model going. For this, I received the donor benefit of two pints of ice cream a month from Bobtail for a whole year. Let's do the math:

Oracle Theatre + Altruism = Ice Cream for a Year

Now before you start questioning the selflessness of my donation, let me just say this year is gonna be great! Eating ice cream and highlighting the standouts! Booyah! And Bobtail, one of the few homemade ice cream/gelato places in Chicago, is still experimenting with new flavors on a rolling basis! So you can expect to read about some customer-created flavors you've never even imagined during my....Bobtail Year!

• • •

Bobtail Year Rundown

June - Lemongrass Mint Ginger

July - Lust

August - Wrath
(Bonus: Reinventing Envy)

September - Cubby Crunch

October - Wrecking Ball

November - Sweet Potato Pie

December - Peanut Butter Chip vs. White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup

January - Fudge Walnut

February - Chocolate Covered Strawberry

March - Thin Mint

April - Vanilla Morghulis

May - Goat?

- - -

Update from 2014: Be sure to check out the end-of-year recap.

Stanley Cupcakes & The Chicago Blackhawks

Chicago Blackhawks cupcake by Magnolia Bakery.
Red sprinkles by Microsoft Paint.

My Michigan Avenue office building is across the street from Tribune Tower, the home of WGN Radio. Because of their close coverage of the Chicago Blackhawks, the neighboring courtyard has been celebration central several times throughout the hockey season and postseason. Having followed the Hawks more closely this season than I have any professional sport ever, I can understand why. (Where were all these fans when I was watching the early games in an empty bar?) Long before the Hawks began playing in the Stanley Cup Finals, there was no shortage of things to celebrate about this year:

• A record breaking streak to start the season. Going 24 consecutive games without a regulation loss, exactly half of the abbreviated season--they recorded a point during the entire month of February--the Hawks totally annihilated the previous record held by the 2006-2007 Anaheim Ducks which lasted 16 games. (That Ducks team went on to win the Stanley Cup.)
• Winning the President's Cup, which is awarded to the NHL team with the best record. Theirs was 36-7-5, totaling 77 game points out of a possible 96. Their game point percentage (.802) was the 6th best in NHL history. (With the exception of the 1929-1930 Boston Bruins, each of the top five went on to win the Stanley Cup.)
• Winning Round 2 of the Playoffs against the Detroit Red Wings. After being down 3-1 in the series, the team fought off elimination by winning three straight games. Sitting in the crowd with my brother, we watched as the Hawks won Game 7 twice, once in the third period--when referee Stephen Walkom denied Hjalmarsson's goal, I thought fans were going to break down the glass and charge the ice--and again in overtime off a goal by Brent Seabrook! Also, this round was historic because the NHL realignment means this meeting marked the last time these two rival teams could ever meet in the playoffs, other than the finals.
• Winning the Western Conference, thanks to Hatrick, excuse me, Patrick Kane's amazing Game 5 performance.

Plus numerous individual achievements:

• Corey Crawford and Ray Emery collectively won the William M. Jennings Award (goalkeeper(s) having played a minimum of 25 games for the team with the fewest goals scored against).
• Jonathan Toews won the Frank J. Selke Trophy (top defensive forward) and was a top three finalist for the Mark Messier NHL Leadership Award.
• Joel Quenneville was a top three finalist for the Jack Adams Award (top head coach).
• Brandon Saad was a top three finalist for the Calder Trophy (top rookie).
• Patrick Kane was a top three finalist for the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy (best sportsmanship, gentlemanly conduct and ability).
• Marian Hossa was awarded a silver hockey stick to commemorate his 1,000th game this season.
• Bryan Bickell exists.

So, yes, we've been and cheering (and singing) a lot.

During one of the celebrations in Pioneer Plaza outside WGN Radio, the Ice Crew handed out prizes to anyone who could shoot one-to-three tee balls past an inflatable Corey Crawford and into the net. Defying all odds I shot one in, though I'd never used a hockey stick in my life. (My prize was a red plastic cup with the team logo on it, valued at approximately ten cents. But I was so thrilled, they could have given me red, white and black pocket lint and I wouldn't have complained.)

Another, much more relevant time--Dessert blog! Focus! Focus!--Crumbs Bakery gave out free Stanley Cupcakes with the team colors to celebrate the start of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Realizing that "Stanley Cupcake" is too cute a phrase to let pass, the NHL sent out cupcakes with each competing team's logo in frosting to members of the media. One recipient used the bedazzled treats as inspiration in making his Playoff picks, predicting that the Blackhawks would be defeated by the Penguins in the Finals. As if a team wearing black and yellow could ever beat the Hawks. Ha!

With the real Finals having started--last night's triple overtime win against the Boston Bruins, the fifth longest game in Stanley Cup Finals history--the hype has picked up even more. Local Dunkin' Donuts chains have rebranded Boston Kreme as "Chicago Kreme." Another less detail-oriented bakery is offering their own Blackhawks cupcakes. (pictured above) Maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to revisit my recipe for Chicago Blackhawks ice cream--strawberry cookies and cream with marshmallows.

Field Report: Vegan Ice Cream: Say It Ain't Soy ('Cuz it Ain't)

I feel healthier just looking at their color palette.

My friend Rob Putnam submits his review (and photos) of KindKreme in Los Angeles. With a diet that has been free of refined sugar for 20+ years (KindKreme uses agave) and vegetarian for 18+ years, Rob is the man to listen to when it comes to the healthy side of dessert. 

Chris Rock once quipped "You could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don't make it a good f@!#ing idea." Fortunately, the same general notion doesn't apply to vegan ice cream. It can be done and, no, it isn't a good idea. It's a great idea. 

Last week I strode into KindKreme in Pasadena, which is all vegan, all awesome. It's like real (i.e. dairy) ice cream only healthier, with most of the flavor and none of the insulin shock. I sampled four flavors: honey blueberry, Mexican chocolate and the soft serve chocolate and coconut. The blueberry flavors were subtle, the sweetness understated. It simply tasted and felt healthier. I didn't feel the heaviness or bipolar blood sugar fluctuations that often follows fraternization with the real deal.

Coconut-chocolate swirl.

While everything I tried was fantastic, the soft serve flavors were the standouts, coconut in particular. It was so good that I was surprised it was available without a prescription.*

Note that KindKreme variously uses coconut or almond milk and/or cashews for its base. As a longtime vegetarian with vegan sympathies, I'm accustomed to such shadings. Non-believers be advised: objects in cooler are more vegan than they appear. That is, the flavors aren't exceptionally social and may make a poor first impression, especially if you typically hang with a dairy crowd. But given time, neophytes will find them friendly enough. Amiable, even.

A word of warning: unlike its prices, KindKreme's servings fall on the small side. A single scoop comes in at $3.99, $4.99 for soft serve. No surprise, then, that so many vegans are thin. But consider the advantages of the higher price. Then buy it anyway. Because you deserve it.

*Check local laws in your area.

Flavor Battle: Ice Cream of Celebrity Apprentice

Consumers of Delish Ice Cream are never in want of fonts.

At certain hours, my Michigan Avenue office sits in the shadow of neighboring Trump Tower, Chicago's second tallest building. Last week, I gazed upward trying to steal a glance as I took the fifty yard stroll from my office entrance to the Walgreen's housed in the same building. And once inside I combed the store for more evidence of the comb over billionaire.

Back at my desk, I cracked the lid of two new Delish brand ice cream flavors that were imagined by contestants on Celebrity Apprentice: Penn Jillette's Vanilla & Chocolate Magic Swirtle and Trace Adkins' Maple Macadamia Mash-up. Though there are many things worthy of mockery about Donald Trump--mostly his inability to laugh at himself when he is mocked--he should be admired for using his reality show as a platform for a  nationwide ice cream competition.* My main grievance is that the competition was less about flavor quality and more about other factors. Here are my case studies on the two flavors:

Name: Penn Jillette's Vanilla & Chocolate Magic Swirtle
Details: "Rich Vanilla Ice Cream with a Sea Salt Chocolate Swirl and Fudge Caramel Candy Pieces." Though, they don't seem to advertise it anywhere on the packaging, the candy pieces are shaped like turtles.
Creator: Famed member of the illusion/comedy duo Penn & Teller. Also a famed skeptic and TV show host. I first knew of Penn & Teller from educational videos they made that were shown in some of my classes at school.
Expectation: I am bored to read that this is little more than vanilla with a fudge swirl with a fairly pedestrian mix-in. The use of salt seems a weak attempt at making the flavor original.
Review: Most of the bites are so salty, it makes me crave the bland vanilla ice cream that houses it. But every few bites, much to my surprise, the swirl itself is magnificent, a more nuanced flavor than one finds in flavors like Moose Tracks. It's a shame they used a much lower quality chocolate for the chocolate-caramel turtles.

Name: Trace Adkins' Maple Macadamia Mash-up
Details: "Dry Roasted Macadamia Nuts in Maple Ice Cream."
Creator: I can't say I'd ever heard the name Trace Adkins before. Based on his style of dress I wager he is a country singer. Based on his flavor concept, I would guess he is a Vermonter who likes spends his vacations in Hawai'i. Based on the fact he's on a celebrity reality show, I'd wager that whatever he's known for, his peak has passed. Zing!
Expectation: If the ice cream base isn't overly sweet, it will win. And macadamia nuts are a favorite ice cream mix-in of mine.
Review: I was pleasantly surprised that the maple base was flavorful without being cloying or overwhelming. It didn't taste like maple syrup so much as it tasted like the sweetness one tastes after the maple syrup has soaked into fluffy pancakes. And the macadamia nuts are a great touch!

Findings and Conclusions:

Wrigley Building & Trump Tower, Chicago

Maple Macadamia Mash-Up was the obvious winner. It was a new idea that worked. As a brand, however, Trump could do better to pair with a brand that makes a better product than Delish ice cream. Neither ice cream was as dense as I like, but just because a flavor is sold in pints does not mean it is super premium. The texture of both suggests a heavy reliance on corn syrup (the fifth ingredient). And then there's the mix-ins, which were in far to short a supply. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised that both flavors were stingy with the mix-ins. It is Donald Trump, after all.


*While the show has had ice cream competitions before--it was first done in 2004 during season two, where contestants imagined a red velvet cake ice cream (now becoming more commonplace) and a chocolate doughnut ice cream (what's the hold up?) that Caio Bella produced for them to sell around New York City--I believe this is the first time the show's flavors have been available nationwide.

Championship Round: Presenting the Winner...

Somewhere between following the Stanley Cup(cake) Playoffs and baking ice cream bread, I've inadvertently delayed the crowning of the AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament champion.

Unlike the democratic process of political campaigns or the popularity contests of reality TV, being the best is the only route to becoming a champion. But before any flavors start making victory laps, let's take a moment to remember the winners of each round:

• Round 1 - Häagen-Dazs Gelato Collection's Stracciatella
• Round 2 - Ben & Jerry's Class of 2013's Chocolate Peppermint Crunch
• Round 3 - Ben & Jerry's Greek Frozen Yogurt's Pineapple Passion Fruit
• Round 4 - Häagen-Dazs Class of 2013's Peanut Butter Pie

Only one among this year's new flavors from Ben & Jerry's and Häagen-Dazs can be the best. And only a champion deserves that glory...

This year's champion is Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Peppermint Crunch. While this wasn't the best chocolate mint ice cream I've ever had, I dare say this is the best chocolate mint ice cream to hit the grocery store shelves. Chocolate mint, white peppermint swirl, crunchy chocolate mint cookies. Time for another round.

Round 4: Häagen-Dazs Class of 2013

For the past few years Häagen-Dazs has only introduced new ice cream products as Limited Edition flavors. Their usage of the term "limited" is liberal considering some of these flavors have been featured for multiple years and a few have graduated to being members of the Häagen-Dazs canon (currently, those include Blueberry Crumble and Dark Chocolate). Anything to move product, I suppose. This year, two of the four limited edition flavors are new. I was delighted to snatch them up with the hope of erasing the unfortunate experience of eating three members of the new Häagen-Dazs Gelato collection. (Yuck.) Onto better things: the new flavors!

Peanut Butter Pie - peanut butter ice cream with a peanut butter swirl and chocolate cookie pieces
I come from the land of peanuts. They are one of Virginia's major agricultural products. It is inconceivable for me to imagine a meal at Virginia Diner--the combination plate with pulled pork BBQ and Virginia ham, collards and fried apples, biscuits, plus Waldorf salad and an extra side of carrot soufflé, plus tasting off of everyone else's plate--that didn't end with a slice of their famous Peanut Pie.

For the sake of transparency, I should mention that peanut butter has never been a flavor I've had strong feelings about as a dessert. Häagen-Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter is the only peanut butter ice cream that I've purchased twice, though maybe not even thrice. So, of anyone, Häagen-Dazs had the best chance of winning me over.

My first bites proved promising. There was subtlety to the peanut butter ice cream and the chocolate cookie pieces. But once my taste buds met with the gloop of peanut butter swirl in the pint's middle, it was the only flavor I could taste. The flavor wasn't bad, but it wasn't particularly dessert-y unless you enjoy eating sugary peanut butter by the spoonful to get your sweet fix. (I do not, but I realize others do.) Happily, the pint ended devoid of peanut butter swirl, reminding me of the subtle flavor I enjoyed when I first cracked the lid.

Bourbon Pecan Praline - bourbon ice cream with a brown sugar bourbon swirl and praline pecans
I had high hopes for this, though in retrospect I'm not sure why. My consumption of alcohol is limited to chicken wing sauces that have been hitting the sauce. The flavor was boozy, sickly sweet and gross. It tasted how inner-city liquor stores smell, the type where pocket rockets are the best sellers. I forced myself to take more bites when I really wanted it to end. When I revisited the pint for a second tasting, the odor was enough to drive me away.

I consulted the roommates on whether the bourbon flavor was genuine or artificial. Mike said the taste was completely artificial, "like someone tried to make bourbon with sugar." Makes sense: bourbon is nowhere to be found in the ingredient list. Mike did not take a second bite. As for Boren and Jamie, they enjoyed the flavor saying it tasted like bourbon, though with a "candied" flavor. They were pleased to be offered the remainder of the pint.

Luckily, Häagen-Dazs also has two other ways of getting one's pecan fix:  Butter Pecan and Pralines & Cream (a Walgreen's exclusive flavor).


This year, there are two other Limited Edition flavors available who are ineligible to compete in the tournament because they were members of the Häagen-Dazs class of 2012: Coconut Macaroon (Best of 2012! Amazing!) and Salted Caramel Truffle (Less so!). Check them out if you didn't last year.

---

This round's winner: Peanut Butter Pie

The AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament continues with the Championship Round...

Round 3: Ben & Jerry's New Greek Frozen Yogurt Flavors

Though Ben & Jerry's knows how to bring on
the summer, it does not how to spell "passion fruit."

Last year, when Ben & Jerry's unveiled their new froyo product line, I scoffed. I scoffed and I scoffed until I actually tasted it. Then I shut up. And while I haven't purchased any of the products since my original tasting, I didn't hesitate in buying two of this year's new flavors.

Liz Lemon - Lemon Greek Frozen Yogurt with a Blueberry Lavender Swirl
No false modesty here: it was hilarious when I griped about the hype surrounding the unveiling of a "new flavor" they "created" that was "inspired" by 30 Rock. But after the smoke cleared, I still wanted to try it, hype or no hype. Though Ben & Jerry's once created the mouth puckering Key Lime Pie, the sweet-tasting Liz Lemon FroYo just isn't sour enough to be satisfying. (Perhaps because lemon oil is the third-to-last ingredient?) And while the blueberry swirl does add a dimension to the flavor, it's not enough to remove the feeling that something is missing. This isn't a bad flavor, but it could use some tinkering to make it more lemony.

Pineapple Passion Fruit - Pineapple Greek Frozen Yogurt with Chunks of Pineapple & a Passion Fruit Swirl
Passion fruit has long been an outlier of fruit. Common enough to be recognizable, yet exotic enough to be exciting, it's name is rarely featured on the marquee. Even here, it's given second billing. For some reason, passion fruit hasn't been successful in the frozen dessert section. This hasn't kept it from being tried out, though. For example, this flavor actually echoes a Ben & Jerry's creation that now sits in the flavor graveyard, Island Paradise™. (Passion Fruit was also one of the original flavors in Haagen-Dazs' recently discontinued Five collection, though it was quickly replaced with a more common fruit.) As for this flavor, the sourness of the froyo perfectly compliments the tartness of the tropical fruits. It is both refreshing and bold. Here's hoping it isn't discontinued as fast as its ancestors were.

Also new this season is Vanilla Honey Caramel, Vanilla Greek Frozen Yogurt with a Honey Caramel Swirl.

---

This round's winner: Pineapple Passion Fruit.

The AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament continues with Round 4: Häagen-Dazs Class of 2013...

Because Peeps are not yet bacon-flavored.

Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way. You've been warned.
© Waters Edge Church

What to do with all that leftover Easter candy? Make an Epic Easter Casserole, of course! In this expertly-crafted parody of Epic Meal Time, a surly Easter bunny reminds you to waste not, want not.

---

Though there's nothing in the video to suggest it, this video was made by a church. (The only evidence is the Jack Daniels being replaced by the equally nauseating Mountain Dew.) I don't know anything about this church or their views, but kudos to them for making a solid video with the sole aim of having fun. I wouldn't mind if my church followed their lead.

Thanks to Angie W. for sharing.

Round 2: Ben & Jerry's Class of 2013

Image capture of two pints Ben & Jerry's in their natural habitat.

After last's year's sub-par performance, I questioned whether or not Ben & Jerry's had lost their touch. I am happy to report that, despite the continued usage of corn syrup (though not as high on the list of ingredients as it is in the new Häagen-Dazs Gelato collection), this year's new products actually taste like food. More than that, they were enjoyable to eat! I was also happy to see on the Ben & Jerry's website their pledge regarding GMOs: "We commit to sourcing non-GMO ingredients for all our products everywhere by year-end 2013." This is cause for celebration and celebrate we shall: Free Cone Day is Tuesday, April 9!

Limited Edition Cannoli - The mascarpone ice cream base isn't as strong as I'd like--which makes sense because I prefer a light cannoli ricotta filling--but it is enough to evoke a powdered sugar sprinkled pastry. The cannoli shell pieces are inconsistent in their crunchiness, but the few good ones were enough to keep me digging for more. Overall, the flavor doesn't taste like its namesake as much as, say, Ben & Jerry's Boston Cream Pie ice cream does, but that didn't keep me from enjoying it. Tasty and worth checking out.

Chocolate Peppermint Crunch - This flavor seems purposed to appeal to the different types of mint ice cream enthusiasts. It is chocolate (what I look for), it has cookies (me, again), the chocolate-covered cookies have a substantial crunch to them (halfway appealing to those who like mint candy or candy cane in their ice cream) it has a white mint swirl (for those peppermint patty lovers who like a cool minty aftertaste). Which is the dominant flavor? Good question. Like some of the classic Ben & Jerry's flavors (Phish Food, New York Super Fudge Chunk) and two other usual suspects to my freezer (Half Baked, Everything But The...), the strength of Chocolate Peppermint Crunch is having so many different tastes and textures at once that it almost overwhelms the mouth. I couldn't help but keep eating, wanting more of each individual part. And though the flavor would have benefited from using real mint instead of peppermint oil, it still left me fat and satisfied.

These rookie products are joined by Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz, which rises from its plot in the flavor graveyard. I'd review the flavor but it interests me about as much as mud salad. Also available are two new products in Ben & Jerry's Frozen Yogurt collection, which I will review separately.

---

This round's winner: Chocolate Peppermint Crunch

The AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament continues with Round 3: Ben & Jerry's New Greek Frozen Yogurt Flavors...

How to Celebrate a Half-birthday

Who invited the birthday cake to the half-birthday party?
Oh! What a delightfully whimsical foible of human logic!

When celebrating a half-birthday, one should bake a half-birthday cake to really make the day special! But don't fall into a pit of anxiety and self-flagellation, dear reader. It's simple! To make a half-birthday cake, one may use the same recipe that one uses to make a regular birthday cake. True fact: though the celebrations they commemorate are distinctly different, half-birthday cakes and birthday cakes are actually the same thing! ("They don't look the same," you may quip. Your eyes don't fool you, my dearly steadfast fan, but I assure you that the size is the only variable!)

To properly prepare the half-birthday cake, simply follow a birthday cake recipe as you would normally. It may feel like you're making a regular birthday cake for the first few steps, but remember the only difference in the preparation is that you will make less cake, half! For example, if your annual birthday tradition is making a two layer chocolate cake, mix the chocolate cake batter, but only pour enough to bake one layer. (Here's a fun tip for those among my attractive and smart admirers who rely on boxed cake mixes: add an extra egg and then trade out the oil for butter and the water for milk. It works like a pagan luck-enhancing device!) When your single-layer cake is done baking, frost the cake--having made your secret family recipe while the cake was baking!--and then cut it in half. Stack the frosted halves and your half-birthday cake is complete!

If you did things correctly,
your half-birthday cake should
look like this from above!

As I'm sure you know, my comely and brilliant follower, it is improper half-birthday etiquette to make a whole two layer cake and simply cut it in half. (Cheaters will be stoned to death. Repeat offenders will be excommunicated.) So what to do with that extra cake mix? One could save it for the half-birthday celebration of a friend or colleague, but I prefer using the remaining batter to make cupcakes! Then, when the cupcakes are done, take four of them, break them up and baptize the crumbs in a vanilla ice cream mix to sit overnight. The next day, pour in the vanilla and chocolate cupcake ice cream mix into an electric ice cream mixer. When the ice cream is nearly done churning, pour in some refrigerated, crushed raspberries for a treat even a mannerless philistine could enjoy!

Speaking of mannerless philistines, it is an unfortunate truth that, much like writing a dessert blog, being the perfect host is often a thankless job. (You may wonder, "Who let these swines into my house?" But you must never say this aloud, my sexy and genius devotee. Those swines are your guests!) Still, this lamentable fact mustn't keep you from sharing the half-birthday cake and ice cream with the miserable friends who are privileged enough to celebrate your milestone event with you, jealous of your cause for joy! It is both customary and proper to greet all compliments with mock humility, all while pestering/subtly fishing for compliments from quiet guests until they acquiesce. (A tip for my nympho, philomathic disciples: When sending your invitations remind the recipients that half-birthdays only come once a year and social obligations are but a light yolk to bear compared to martyrdom! It isn't rude to say this in an invitation! It's your party! You can ridicule swines if you want to!)

Follow these steps, my leather-and-latex-bound, PhD-holding cult member, and you will be the perfect host for your next half-birthday celebration!

Round 1: Häagen-Dazs Gelato Collection

Pre-trial photo of the defendants behind bars.

I'd be lying if I said I had high hopes for the new Häagen-Dazs Gelato collection. Though long a champion of Häagen-Dazs products, one glance at the ingredients (#3 or #4 - corn syrup) made me hypothesize that this was a case of packaging a cheaper product and selling it for the same price. It was with this sense of gravity that I purchased three pints of the new Gelato collection: Straciatella, Dark Chocolate Chip and Sea Salt Caramel. And since I was feeling judgmental, I've decided to write my review as two closing arguments and a verdict.

PROSECUTOR CLOSING ARGUMENTS: Historically, the ice cream bases offered by Häagen-Dazs have mostly stuck to natural ingredients--excepting mix-ins--something they once prided themselves on. Historically, the basic ingredients for gelato are milk, eggs, sugar and the central flavor ingredient (chocolate, pistachio, etc.). It seems, however, that Häagen-Dazs took a different gelato-making course. As a result, the flavors one finds in their latest collection are like diluted Häagen-Dazs with a terribly cloying aftertaste. To make matters worse, they are simply retreading existing territory. Conceptually, Sea Salt Caramel seems nothing more than their Limited Edition flavor Salted Caramel Truffle without the truffle mix-ins. And the Dark Chocolate Chip is virtually identical to the Häagen-Dazs ice cream flavor Chocolate Chocolate Chip, excepting the ingredient "corn syrup." Chocolate ice cream has long been a strength of Häagen-Dazs, despite the discontinuing of most of its chocolate-based flavors, but the gelato's chocolate-base tastes somewhere between Dairy Queen and low-fat ice cream. To use layman's terms, it tastes "gross." There is also the irrefutable evidence that, in the same season Häagen-Dazs introduced the Gelato collection, it has ended its Five collection, which prided itself on simplified all natural recipes that used only five ingredients. I submit to you that Häagen-Dazs is guilty of delivering a shoddy product in the name of cost cutting.

DEFENDANT'S CLOSING ARGUMENTS: When eating gelato, two things a person notices are the smooth texture and how light it is to eat. The Häagen-Dazs Gelato collection has succeeded in accomplishing these traits with their new product. The ingredient list of Dark Chocolate Chip may indeed be, quote, "virtually identical to the Häagen-Dazs ice cream flavor Chocolate Chocolate Chip," but some people prefer a smoother texture. That is precisely why many people choose to purchase gelato instead of ice cream. And Sea Salt Caramel gelato? It is much lighter than the ice cream product noted by the prosecutor. We could debate all day about the similarities of these gelato flavors and existing ice cream flavors, but these two frozen desserts have always had a shared legacy. Frankly, some gelato flavors do it better. For example, Stracciatella isn't simply repackaged chocolate chip; Stracciatella has loads of chocolate shavings in every bite! Corn syrup is not on trial here today; Häagen-Dazs is. And the only thing Häagen-Dazs has done is expand its product line.

VERDICT: Having heard the arguments, I can say you both have excellent points. Is a new product to be judged based on its brand or as a freestanding product with its own merits? I cannot help but be reminded of Ben & Jerry's increased use of corn syrup these past few years, but the recent utilization of the ingredient in Häagen-Dazs products is disconcerting. Earlier this year, I noticed a softer texture in my "Vanilla Swiss Almond," long my favorite grocery store pint. I called shenanigans, and the shenanigans were corn syrup. Häagen-Dazs hasn't put it in all their pints yet, but if this new Gelato collection is any indication, they will. To me, this is not acceptable business practice from a luxury ice cream maker. But, in truth, Häagen-Dazs has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. (Just ask Monsanto about using corn products.) Therefore, I am remiss to say I must let them off with a warning. But I do so with a plea, "Please return my Vanilla Swiss Almond back to its former glory."

---

This round's winner: Straciatella.

The AICM (April Ice Cream Madness) Tournament continues with Round 2: Ben & Jerry's Class of 2013...